Reflection.

I want to admit that this is the first time I can look in the mirror or try clothes on without one negative thought towards my body and how it looks.  It's been a couple weeks since I have thought, "Does this make me look fat?!" or " I don't feel comfortable in my own skin."  I can honestly say that I have never felt that way about myself- ever.  Even before kids I have always struggled with the lie that I didn't look good enough.  I don't doubt that becoming healthier and stronger has played huge roles in my mindset but I think it is more about what kind of eyes I am viewing myself with.  The mixed martial arts that I practice has challenged me so much and not just physically.  It has been a sort of re-building so to speak.  And like I stated before, during these challenges I try to make an all-encompassing lifestyle overhaul. 
My time with the Lord and my time in the gym with people who uplift me, challenge me, encourage me, push me and break through all of my many walls has really had a life-changing effect in my life.  I am consistently vulnerable.  I cry many tears both at home in my private time and publically.  Through frustration and obstacles I am finding out how to search for strength- not in myself- but in the One who created me.  And in those times of searching I am found, with love and open arms.  And every time I am loved through my weakness I am built up on a steady foundation. 
My body is not perfect.  I have stretch marks and scars.  I struggle to build any kind of muscle.  I am usually the last and slowest one in class still, but I am finally not placing my worth in any of those things any longer.  I am always tired but I continue to push through- whether it's out of habit and/or knowing that if I don't continue I will go back to the girl I once was before this journey began- it's probably both. 
When you are in the middle of progressing, going back is never an appealing idea.  I also know that if my health ended today my world would not come crashing down b/c my worth is not in that either.  My never-changing, always loving God will always be there with His arms open.  Fitness is just one way He has blessed my life with a way to share His beautiful image and love to this dying world.  Fitness is a witness that shows His strength in my weakness, His grace in my trials and His greatness in my failures.  I am so grateful for this life He has blessed me with.  So grateful for the beauty that surrounds me!